Helga’s Friday Frolics

Happy 2012! And a safe Friday the 13^th!!!

It is upon us and a good year it is going to be too…I have decided it HAS to be – the past ones have been so rotten and unlucky as the labour party say “things can only get better…”

LOL

Helga

PS.* NOTE NEW EMAIL ADDRESS helgathomson@yahoo.com

Number One…topical???

A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Tuesday with its epicentre in Basildon . Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering “Faaackinell”.

The hurricane decimated the area causing almost £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros arrived.

Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon. One resident – Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, “It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning.”

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Special Brew to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Ratners and Bone China from the Pound shop.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after – items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White stilettos
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals
Tins of baked beans
KFC
Ice cream
Cans of Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of nine
£5 buys fags and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**BREAKING NEWS**

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop and were worried she had been badly cut…
“Where are you bleeding from?” they asked,
“Romford” said the girl, “woss that gotta do wiv you?”

Number Two….

Six retired Jewish Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condoclubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.

At the end of the game, Finklestein looks around and asks, “So, who’s gonna tell his wife?”

They cut the cards. Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse.

“Discreet? I’m the most discreet person you’ll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me.”

Goldberg goes over to the Meyer’s condo and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?

Goldberg declares: “Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home.”

“Tell him to drop dead!” yells the wife.

“I’ll go tell him.” says Goldberg

Number Three…

A very attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, ‘I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude’.

With that, she stripped, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, ‘Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!’

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed…’YES! YES! I WON, I WON!’

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, ‘What did she roll?’

The other answered, ‘I don’t know – I thought you were watching.’

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drunks,
Not all blondes are dumb,
But all men…are men.

Number Four…

Number Five…

It’s the month after Christmas, and all through the house,

Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

… The cookies I’d nibbled the chocolate I’d taste

At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!

When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber),

I’d remember the marvelous meals I’d prepared;

The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese

And the way I’d never said, “No thank you, please.”

As I dressed myself in my husband’s old shirt

And prepared once again to do battle with dirt…

I said to me, as I only can,

”You can’t spend a winter, disguised as a man!”

So, away with the last of the sour cream dip,

Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip.

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished

Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won’t have a cookie, not even a lick.

I’ll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won’t have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie.

I’ll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I’m hungry, I’m lonesome, and life is a bore…

But isn’t that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.

Happy New Year to all, and to all a good diet.

Merry Happy Happy Christmas to One and All

It is upon us. It sneaked stealthely upon us. And with its merry happiness and mirth

I wish you all good tidings (und auf Deutsch gesagted) Gute Rutsch ins neue Jahr

LOL

Helga

PS.* NOTE NEW EMAIL ADDRESS helgathomson@yahoo.com

Number One…my all-time favourite seasonal joke…

Good King Wenselas called up his local,favourite Pizza Delivery

he: “A Pizza Please”

the Shop; “The usual, Sur?”

he; “Yes please”

the Shoop; “~ok – Deep-pan, crisp and even”…

Number Two….

I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice claret. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I’ve never done before – I took a bus home.

 I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it from!

Number Three…

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
“Well, whatcha’ gonna do about it?” he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

“Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying.”

“This is the worst day of my life,” I say. “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me.”

“So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!

But enough about me, how’s your day going?”

Number Four…

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little yellow bug and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde’s driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

“What does it look like?” she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, “It’s square and it has your picture on it.”

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman.. ‘Here it is,’ she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,’ Okay, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop….

Number Five…

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time . . .

I knew a man who was suicidal.
He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train.
He was chuffed to bits.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was
standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin . . .
3 hours later and they’re still walking about with it. . .
I thought to myself, these b*g**rs have lost the plot!!

I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check
her balance.
Not being one to disappoint I gave her a big push and she fell over.

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused
permission to broadcast ‘The Flintstones’.
A spokesman for the channel said . . .
‘A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but
we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.’

My son’s been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our
local pet shop and they were £70!!!
B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

Just heard there was an explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield.
3.1415927 dead

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a
gravestone. “Morning.” I said. “No” he replied, “just having a pee.”

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’
So I bought her some scales.

Went around to a friend’s house today. His wife was sat there with their
newborn baby. She asked if I’d like to wind it. . .
I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.

Saw my mate outside the Doctor’s today looking really worried.
“What’s the matter?” I asked.
“I’ve got the big C,” he said.
“What, cancer?”
“No, dyslexia.”

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay. He claims that the Wii
GameBoy he received isn’t what he was expecting.

I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs..
The birds love it!

The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.
From next week, all the forms will be printed in English.

Husband says to wife ‘My Olympic condoms have arrived – I think I’ll wear gold tonight’.
Wife says, ‘Why don’t you wear silver and come second for a change’.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking Doctor’
I thought, ‘What a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country?’

The lead actor in the local pantomime, Aladdin, was sexually abused from behind on stage last night.
To be fair the audience did try to warn him

Dear Friends

We have just arrived back from a wonderful trip to Koh Samui I arrived back to receive the best ever game from the best ever gamer called Cockneydevil – he is not a devil at all he is a Cockneyangel!!! Look him up on Ebay.

We are jet-lagged but awake for our babies who missed us millions. Poor souls…

LOL

Helga

PS.* NOTE NEW EMAIL ADDRESS helgathomson@yahoo.com

Number One… the most incredical inspirational thing I heard this year is that Steve Jobs’ final words were “Oh Wow! Oh Wow! Oh Wow!”

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO-HOO, what a ride!!” AND…..

For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5.. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like – its speaking English that kills you….

Number Two….

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Palermo Italy went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

“Father.. During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from
theNazis. So I hid her in my attic.”

The priest replied: “That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.

“There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors.

This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.”

The priest said, “That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.

However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.”

“Thank you, Father. That’s a load off my mind. I do have one more question.”

“And what is that?” asked the priest.

“Should I tell her the war is over?”

Number Three…

Jennifer’s wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement – not even her parent’s nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father’s new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her father’s new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. “Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I’m wearing it,”she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ”Never mind sweetheart. I’ll get another dress. After all, it’s your special day.” A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ”Aren’t you going to return the other dress? You really don’t have another occasion where you could wear it.”
Her mother just smiled and replied, ”Of course I do, dear…..I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.”

Number Four…For those who have flown RYANAIR:

“Spare a thought for Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of ‘Ryanair’…….

Arriving in a hotel in Dublin, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, “That will be one Euro please, Mr O’Leary.”

Somewhat taken aback, O’Leary replied, “That’s very cheap,” and handed over his money.

“Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition”, said the barman. “And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until 8. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland.”

“That is remarkable value” Michael comments.

“I see you don’t seem to have a glass, so you’ll probably need one of ours. That will be 3 Euro please.”

O’Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.

“Ah, you want to sit down?” said the barman. “That’ll be an extra 2 Euro. You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you a Euro. I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please?”

Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can’t squeeze in he complains: “Nobody would fit in that little frame!”

“I’m afraid if you can’t fit in the frame you’ll have to pay an extra surcharge of €4.00 for your seat sir.” O’Leary swore to himself, but paid up.

“I see that you have brought your laptop with you” added the barman. “Since that wasn’t pre-booked either, that will be another 3 Euro.”

O’Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, “This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager!”

“Ah, I see you want to use the counter,” says the barman, “that will be 2 Euro please.”
O’Leary’s face was red with rage. “Do you know who I am?”

“Of course I do Mr. O’Leary,”

“I’ve had enough! What sort of Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!”

“Here is his E mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 cents per second.”

“I will never use this bar again!”

“OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for one Euro”.

Number Five…2011 Darwin Awards (UNCLASSIFIED)

It’s that time again … The Darwin Awards are out! These Annual Honors
are given to the persons who did the human gene pool the biggest service
by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.

You may recall that last year’s winner was the fellow who was killed by
a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to
tip a free soda out.

This year’s winner was a genuine Rocket Scientist … no jive! Read on
… The nominees were:

Semifinalist #1

A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply
because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with
milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited
into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned
his house down, killing both him and his sister.

Semifinalist #2

Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when
another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the
occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and
crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants
around their ankles.

Semifinalist #3

A 22-year-old Reston , VA man was found dead after he tried to use
octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot rail road trestle. Fairfax
County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of
these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the
other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the
pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators
think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. “The length of
the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the
trestle and the concrete,” Carmichael said. Police say the apparent
cause of death was “Major trauma.”

Semifinalist #4

A man in Alabama died from numerous rattlesnake bites. It seems that he
and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a
ball. The friend – no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate – was
hospitalized, but lived.

Semifinalist #5

Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of
a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing
all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the
building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were
dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty
navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked.

Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching
into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette
lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the
warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing
was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by
the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never
been thought of as ”especially bright” by his peers.

And now the winner of this year’s Darwin Award; as always, awarded
posthumously;

THE 2011 WINNER!

Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in
the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The
wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The
type of car was unidentifiable at the scene.

Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An amateur
rocket scientist had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted
Take Off…actually a solid-fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy
military transport planes an extra ‘push’ for taking off from short
airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found
a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to the car,
jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!

The facts as best could be determined are that the operator of the 1967
Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles
from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted
asphalt at that location.

The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust
within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of
350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20 -25 seconds.

The driver, and soon-to-be pilot, would have experienced G-forces
usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners,
causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event.
However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5
miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted
the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road
surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and
impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet, leaving a blackened
crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver’s remains were not
recoverable.

Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed
of approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not actually on
the ground.

Really…..we couldn’t make this stuff up. People like these are all
around us. They have kids and they vote!

This is the long version of where the Number Ones have been coming from -  now that they have them all been published  (generous me) it means we NEED more jokes urgently)…

We rely on Sue, Simon, Elfrieda, sometimes Stuart…the rest of you step up to the plate – you all are NAMED and SHAMED…

Best

Helga

PS.* NOTE NEW EMAIL ADDRESS helgathomson@yahoo.com

Number One…

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time . . .

I knew a man who was suicidal.
He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train.
He was chuffed to bits.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was
standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin . . .
3 hours later and they’re still walking about with it. . .
I thought to myself, these b*g**rs have lost the plot!!

I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check
her balance.
Not being one to disappoint I gave her a big push and she fell over.

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused
permission to broadcast ‘The Flintstones’.
A spokesman for the channel said . . .
‘A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but
we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.’

My son’s been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our
local pet shop and they were £70!!!
B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

Just heard there was an explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield.
3.1415927 dead

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a
gravestone. “Morning.” I said. “No” he replied, “just having a pee.”

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’
So I bought her some scales.

Went around to a friend’s house today. His wife was sat there with their
newborn baby. She asked if I’d like to wind it. . .
I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.

Saw my mate outside the Doctor’s today looking really worried.
“What’s the matter?” I asked.
“I’ve got the big C,” he said.
“What, cancer?”
“No, dyslexia.”

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay. He claims that the Wii
GameBoy he received isn’t what he was expecting.

I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs..
The birds love it!

The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.
From next week, all the forms will be printed in English.

Husband says to wife ‘My Olympic condoms have arrived – I think I’ll wear gold tonight’.
Wife says, ‘Why don’t you wear silver and come second for a change’.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking Doctor’
I thought, ‘What a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country?’

The lead actor in the local pantomime, Aladdin, was sexually abused from behind on stage last night.
To be fair the audience did try to warn him

Number Two….NEEDED

Number Three…NEEDED

Number Four…NEEDED

Number Five…NEEDED

Hello good evening and welcome

Well this comes late but I did have to mark this auspicious and memorable date…

11^th of the 11^th 11…(the last one I remember was Kenneth keane’s birthday on the 7^th of july 1977)

LOL

Helga 

PS.* NOTE NEW EMAIL ADDRESS

helgathomson@yahoo.com

Number One…

I just got a text inviting me to the local nudist club.

I thought why not? I haven’t got anything on.

Number Two…

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.

Talk about Dyson with death…

Number Three…

I’ve just had a letter back from Screwfix. they said they regretted to inform me that they’re not actually a dating agency.

My girlfriend thinks that Im a stalker. Well, shes not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.

At first I was afraid……. then I was petrified..

A wife says to her husband: “Youre always pushing me around and talking behind my back”.
He says: “What do you expect? Youre in a wheelchair”.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said: “I would like to come back as a cow”.
I said: “You’re obviously not listening”..

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it’s been eaten. It’s called wedding cake.

I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said: “I love you”.
She said; “Is that you or the beer talking?”
I replied: “Its me talking to the beer”.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I’ve been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Number Four…Thoughts on life…

Number 10 – Life is sexually transmitted..

Number 9 – Good health is merely having two emotions: Hungry and Horny.

Number 7 – Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks. – Maybe even months — or perhaps years.

Number 6 – Some people are like a Slinky …Not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 4 – All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3 – Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2 – In the 60′s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought – Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers; What you do today, might burn you bedly tomorrow.

- – - and as someone recently said to me:
“Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last all that long.”

And another: “Don’t get down in the dumps about all the funerals you are going to. With any luck, you’ll be going to a lot more.” J. B. Folger, ca 1998.

Number Five…

Paul McCartney is already upset with his new wife, apparently she is spending twice as much on shoes as the last one.

Halloween Greetings!

Although the big day is on Monday, most of you will only read it then…

This is my favourite event of the year and I have ghosts and ghouls lined up to vist over the weekend!

Stuart is out tonight at the Scottish Beer Fest with a load of ‘Kinky Helgas’ serving the drinks along with Oompah Bands!!! I will have to make sure his own Kinky Helga does not let the side down!!!

Have a good, ghoulish and fun time

LOL

Helga (Kinkier than any impersonators)

PS.* NOTE NEW EMAIL ADDRESS

helgathomson@yahoo.com

Number One…Obviously the favourite Halloween Gag…

Why do Demons hang out with Ghouls?

Because Demons are a Ghouls best friend.

Number Two…

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
“Well, whatcha’ gonna do about it?” he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

“Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying.”

“This is the worst day of my life,” I say. “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me.”

“So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!

But enough about me, how’s your day going?”

Number Three…It’s back! The Bloomberg Top 24 Names UPDATED FOR 2011. These are real names…

1. KIKUKO TAKENOSHITA 12. DONNA BUMGARDNER 24. JOHN
2. REINHOLD WANKA 14. GINGER SEAMAN KOKKINIAS
3. CHRISTOPHER FISTER 15. YU ARAFUKA
4. GUSTAVO CUNTO 16. LUDGER POOS
5. ROSEMARY NOBBE 17. ANDREW SHAFTER
6. RICHARD DIKSHIT 18. FUKKY TANTANG
7. SASHA DIKLICH 19. WAN KIM
8. BANG DAE-HO 20. ANIL BANGAR
9. SUSAN BEAVER 21. WING MAN
10. RAFAEL MORON 22. USTAV BOOBNA
11. FABIENNE CRETIN 23. JUERG LOSERReply to:

Reply to STUART THOMSON, IGNIS INVESTMENT SER

Number Four…

A rubbish collector is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor.

He goes to one house where the bin hasn’t been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks. There’s no answer.

Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again – much harder. Eventually a Japanese man comes to the door. “Harro!” says the Japanese man.

“Gidday, mate!

Where’s ya bin?” asks the collector.

“I bin on toiret,” explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.

Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.

“No ! No ! Mate, Where’s your dust bin?”

“I dust been to toiret, I toll you!” says the Japanese man, still perplexed.

“Listen,” says the collector. “You’re misunderstanding me. I mean, Where’s your wheelie bin?’”

“OK, OK. ” replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the collector’s ear. “I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife’s sista!” A rubbish collector is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor.

He goes to one house where the bin hasn’t been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks. There’s no answer.

Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again – much harder. Eventually a Japanese man comes to the door. “Harro!” says the Japanese man.

“Gidday, mate!

Where’s ya bin?” asks the collector.

“I bin on toiret,” explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.

Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.

“No ! No ! Mate**, Where’s your dust bin?”

“I dust been to toiret, I toll you!” says the Japanese man, still perplexed.

“Listen,” says the collector. “You’re misunderstanding me. I mean, Where’s your wheelie bin?’”

“OK, OK. ” replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the collector’s ear. “I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife’s sista!”

Number Five…do you have a funny, regional accent?

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: “Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat.”

Vet: “Is it a tom?”

Yorkshireman: “Nay, I’ve browt it with us.”
……………………………………………………………………

A Yorkshirem*an’s dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides

to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: “Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?”

Jeweller: “Do you want it 18 carat?”

Yorkshireman: “No I want it chewin’ a bone yer daft bugger!”
……………………………………………………………………

A Yorkshireman’s wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone

should have the words “She were thine” engraved on it.

He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be

ready a few days after the funeral.

True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the

headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.
When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see

that it’s been engraved “She were thin”.
He explodes: “‘ells bells man, you’ve left the blood y “e” out,

The stone mason apologises profusely and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.
Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason:

“There you go sir, I’ve put the “e” on the stone for you”.
The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud:

“E, she were thin”.
……………………………………………………………………
Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist

“Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?”
Chemist replies “Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?”

……………………………………………………………………

Good Morning All
The first joke is sadly topical and the last joke is FANTASTIC!!! It did the frolics about 15 years ago…how BRILLIANT to get it again!!!
So October hits us all. I will have to go to hospital to get my wounded knee looked at as I am still in pain…Life is just one setback after another…

Not a Happy
Helga

PS.* NOTE NEW EMAIL ADDRESS helgathomson@yahoo.com

Number One…in memory of a tragic loss…

Thirty years ago, we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope.
Now we have no jobs, no cash and no hope.

Number Two…

A recent study found that the average Briton walks around 900 miles a year.
A separate study found that Britons drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means that, on average, Britons get about 41 miles to the gallon.
MAKES YOU PROUD TO BE BRITISH, DOESN’T IT?

Number Three…

I went to a fancy dress party the other night dressed as a loaf of bread…. The birds were all over me

Number Four…

Apparently, on arrival back at Heathrow Manu Tuialagi was asked for his assessment of their performance at the RWC.
What RWC???.., he replied, I thought it was Tindall’s Stag do.

Number Five…TRAVELLER IN THE FAR EAST TRIES ORDERING BREAKFAST

Note: this story is about how two people using the English language build up
a fine example of miscommunication. Read it aloud to yourself, pronounce it
just the way this text is written.
Room Service: “Morny, ruin sorbees”
Guest: “Sorry, I thought I dialled room service.”
RS: “Rye..ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen?
G: “Uh..yes, i’d like some bacon and eggs”
RS: “Ow July den”
G: “What?”
RS: “Ow July den?..pry, boy, pooch?”
G: “Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled, please”
RS: “Ow July dee baychem…crease?”
G: “Crisp will be fine”
RS: “Hokay. An San tos?”
G: “What?”
RS: “San tos. July san tos?”
G: “I don’t think so”
RS: “No? Judo one toes?”
G: “I feel really bad about this, but I don’t know what ‘judo one toes’
means”
RS: “Toes! Toes!…why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we
bother?”
G: “English muffin!! I’ve got it! You were saying ‘Toast’. Fine, yes, an
English muffin will be fine”
RS: “We bother?”
G: “No, just put the bother on the side.”
RS: “Wad?”
G: “I mean butter…just put it on the side”
RS: “Copy?”
G: “Sorry?”
RS: “Copy…tea…mill?”
G: “Yes, coffee please, and thats’s all.”
RS: “One minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache,
crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh,
and copy…rye?”
G: “Whatever you say”
RS: “Tendjewberrymud”
G: “You’re welcome.”
And now with subtitles, just to be sure…
Room Service (RS): “Morny. Ruin sorbees”
Room service Translation (RST): “Morning, room service”
Guest (G): “Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service”
RS: “Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??”
RST: “Right! Room service! Do you wish to order something?”
G: “Uh..yes..I’d like some bacon and eggs”
RS: “Ow July den?”
RST: “How would you like them?”
G: “What??”
RS: “Ow July den?…pry, boy, pooch?”
RST: “How would you like them? Fried? Boiled? Poached?”
G: “Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry. Scrambled please.”
RS: “Ow July dee bayhcem…crease?”
RST: “How would you like the bacon? Crisp?” [=kross]
G: “Crisp will be fine.”
RS: “Hokay. An San tos?”
RST: “OK. And some toast?”
G: “What?”
RS:”San tos. July San tos?”
RST: “Some toast. Would you like some toast?”
G: “I don’t think so”
RS: “No? Judo one toes??”
RST: “No? You don?t want toast?”
G:”I feel really bad about this, but I don’t know what
‘judo one toes’ means.”
RS: “Toes! Toes!…why djew Don Juan toes?
Ow bow inglish mopping we bother?
RST: “Toast! Toast! Why do you don?t want toast [!!] ?
How about an English Muffin with butter?”
G: “English muffin! I’ve got it! You were saying ‘Toast.’
Okay, fine…Yes, an English muffin will be fine.”
RS: “We bother?”
RST: “With Butter?”
G: “No, just put the bother on the side.”
RS: “Wad?”
RST: “What?”
G: “I mean butter…just put it on the side.”
RS: “Copy?”
RST: “Coffee?”
G: “Sorry?”
RS: “Copy…tea…mill?”
RST: “Coffee? Tea? Milk?”
G: “Oh,yes.. Coffee please, and that’s all.”
RS: “One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem,
tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy … rye?”
RST: “One minute. That’s room twenty-three, scrambled eggs,
crisp bacon, toast and english muffin with butter on the side,
and coffee. Right?”
G: “Whatever you say”
RS: “Tendjewberrymud”
RST: “Thank you very much”
G : “You’re welcome”